THE DIARY

31st December, 1843.
I have often intended to note down things of interest to me; but have through much procrastination, never yet fulfilled my intention. I would now wish to do so, that I may not forget my own multiplied evil doings, or the manifold mercies of the Lord. I would be humbled in the dust because of my continual backsliding, and would also praise God for restoring my soul and for fulfilling that sweet promise, “I will heal their backsliding; I will love them freely.” Oh that I may never open my mouth any more because of my shame, seeing the Lord is at peace with me notwithstanding all that I have done against Him. Well may it be said, “Who is a God like unto Thee, that pardoneth iniquity, and passeth by the transgression of the remnant of His heritage?” The Lord grant that whatever is recorded here may be faithfully done, according to His own blessed mind and will, and that all may be to His glory through Jesus Christ our Lord.
This day was privileged to partake of the Lord’s Supper, which was dispensed in Rattray Free Church for the first time. Although it is but a month since I was permitted to sit at His Table with my much loved friend, Eliza McCheyne, by my side, yet again have I had the opportunity of celebrating this the sweetest and most solemn of all the ordinances, and thus suitably closing this year. “Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits.” Many were the precious truths declared this day, and I cannot but hope it was to not a few, a time of refreshing from the presence of the Lord. Although I did enjoy it, yet not so much as I might have done, doubtless on account of my own lifelessness. A most suitable and powerful sermon was preached from the words, “Worthy is the lamb.” The first Table service was sweet on the words, “Fear not, I know ye seek Jesus that was crucified. He is not here; he is risen, as he said…” The preacher said God was to be thanked for an empty tomb and an occupied Throne, and for thus speaking to believers of their death. They do not know what circumstances they may be in at that solemn hour; whether a gentle and loved voice shall whisper to them a promise of God’s word, and a kindly and loved hand close their eyelids; or whether they shall end their days among strangers. But Jesus knows the time, place, and manner of their death. “My times are in Thy hand,” and they could not be in better hands. Their death might come by a stroke, or they might die, as it were, by inches; but although it did come by a stroke, a sting could not come along with it; for Jesus had laid bare His own bosom to receive the sting, so that believers were assured there could be no sting nor curse in their death. They should be comforted by looking upon their own death in the glass of Christ’s death.
From the deadness of my affections, and unpreparedness of my heart, felt most uncomfortable about going to the Table. I felt, as I have often done before, how great is the guilt of God’s own children, and how much deeper my sins are since believing than what they were before that time. I felt I had not rightly fulfilled the injunction, “Let a man examine himself and so let him eat of this bread and drink of this cup.” Remembering with trembling that word, “For this cause many are weak and sickly among you and many sleep,” I thought that I should not go, less in judgment I might die at the Table. And yet I thought I could not stay away, for I felt that if I had never accepted Jesus before, I was willing to do so at that moment.
When stepping forward to the Table, I was comforted by the words coming forcibly to my mind, “Fear not for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name, thou art mine.” And also, “The Lord will not cast off those whom He hath chosen.” Although lifeless at the Table, yet felt more peaceful than I expected, and snatched at a few sentences spoken to those who were doubting whether they were the Lord’s people or not. Felt as if they were addressed to myself. “Are you saying in yourself at this moment, ‘I am vile’? Do you account Christ precious? Do you look upon prayer as a privilege?” to all which I thought my heart answered “Yes”; and so was gladdened thereby. Again I felt how true it is that if any were chosen and loved, it was all of sovereign grace, and because the Lord loved them; for, “He hath mercy on whom He will have mercy.” He has done this that the redeemed through all eternity might be saying, “by the grace of God I am what I am.” Besought the Lord to pardon all my past iniquity, especially my sin of idolatry in loving the creature more than the Creator, and to enable me to say from the heart, “What have I to do any more with idols?” and, “Whom have I in heaven but Thee, and there is none upon all the earth that I would desire besides Thee.” Asked for grace to lay aside every weight and the sin which doth so easily beset me, that I might run with patience the race that is set before me looking unto Jesus. Resolved to stir up myself to lay hold on God, and to endeavour to be more spiritually minded. O Lord save me from having nothing more than sleepy desires, and grant that these resolutions may not be like many in days gone by, made only to be broken. Although I can do nothing in my own strength, let me ever remember that I must not sit still, but labour to enter into that rest. Endeavoured to enter anew in covenant with the Lord and to give myself to Him, beseeching Him that however heartlessly I, at that moment, did my part, that He would take my body, soul and spirit, mind, will and affections, all that I am and mould me according to His own mind and will. Again I earnestly prayed Him to open up to me a door of usefulness—a way whereby I may serve Him, living no longer unto myself but unto Him who died for me and who rose again.

Monday evening, 1st January, 1844.
I did not go out last evening, but I hear Mr Baxter preached an excellent sermon from that wonderful verse, “Father I will that they also whom Thou hast given Me, be with Me where I am; that they may behold my glory, which Thou hast given Me; for Thou lovedst Me before the foundation of the world.” Well do I remember the time when I heard Mr Baxter on these words. It was on the last Sabbath that Eliza McCheyne and I were in St. Peter’s, on which day we were there together—a day which shall not soon be forgotten.
Felt happier today than yesterday. Was somewhat thankful and able to praise the Lord for all His mercies. I do not know what may be before me in this year, but Oh may the Lord enable me to think, speak and act, to read and pray differently from what I have ever done before. But O how I have sinned against Him this day already. I can only go again to the blood of Jesus Christ His Son that cleanseth from all sin. “Unto whom can I go but unto Thee, Thou alone hast the words of eternal life.” Where can I flee but unto Him from Whom I have so deeply revolted?
Was gladdened this morning by a long kind letter from dear Eliza McCheyne. May all her desires for me return tenfold into her bosom. Heard Mr Bain preach this evening, a lively, comforting and solemn sermon from the words, “The night is far spent, the day is at hand.” Although I do in some measure, feel this to be a night of darkness and ignorance; a night of sorrow and affliction; a night of doubts and fears; yet I surely do not feel it as I might, else I would be longing more for the day which will be bright and cloudless; blissful and glorious; the day which will be eternal and unchangeable.
Although I have met in the year that is past, with what has cost me many a sorrowful hour, yet how much is there of cleaving to the dust—how little of a desire to depart and be with Christ, which is far better.

14th January.
Went to the school last Sabbath evening. Was very weary on returning home, but thankful that I had been able to go. Oh that the Lord may use me as the weak instrument of lasting good to the souls of these dear children—to those of them whom He may have already saved, and to those (the greater part of them) who are still thoughtless and careless about divine things. Read to the girls a long letter from Alexander1 to themselves. They listened attentively and a few seemed affected. Oh that it may have been blessed to them!
Not having been very well I remained at home this forenoon, that I might be able for the afternoon and evening, but alas how little am I in the Spirit on the Lord’s Day. Instead of entering into God’s rest, which they who have believed ought to do (especially on the day of rest), I am grovelling among the things of earth. Instead of sitting with Christ in heavenly places, my soul cleaves to the dust. The Lord pardon my constant neglect of the commandment “Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy.”

Thursday, 18th January.
I heard last Saturday from dear Isabella Williamson of her intended union with Mr Moncur. O! that this step may be of the Lord, and prove for her good and His Glory. Tuesday last brought some things to my remembrance—being a year that day since our dear friend was here, and whom we then saw far the last time. 2 How ignorant we are of what a day will bring forth, for how little did I then dream that I was not to see his dear face again till the Lord Jesus shall come and all His saints with Him. May I be gladdened by the thought of the next time I hope to see him. Oh that our next meeting may be at the right hand of Jesus—when I trust to be part of His crown of joy and rejoicing in the Lord. And may I continually offer up what he did when last I saw him—“May all, O Lord, we think and do and say be sprinkled with blood, and be pleasing in thine eyes.”

Tuesday evening, 23rd January.
Attended last week at this time the children’s meeting at Couper. After tea and anecodotes from the ministers in the hall, we all adjourned to the church, where the children were addressed in a most solemn manner by Mr Andrew Bonar on the necessity of their coming to Christ, and that for three reasons:—
1st—Because their danger was very real;
2nd—Because their sins were very great, and
3rd—Because Christ was willing to receive them.
Mr Archibald Ferguson then spoke to them, in a weighty manner, on the danger of delaying to come to Jesus, illustrating his theme by the case of the old and young women who were drowned because they adhered to Christ. He showed the children that they were all condemned to die, and that the waves of God’s wrath would come further and further upon them until they went over their heads. He urged them to flee to the King for pardon, for delay was dangerous. Perhaps they would say that they could not run; that as the women were tied to the stake so they were bound by sin; but if they could not run they could cry, and the Lord hears all who really cry to Him. If they were offered a rich present, a gold guinea, or a fine dress, they would not wait until they were old. So they should go immediately to Jesus who has unsearchable riches, gold tried in the fire, and a beautiful robe to give them. They cannot have better company than Christ’s in their journey through the world; and they cannot have a better guide than the Lord. They cannot have a better home than Heaven. And although the road seems rough, yet if they are brought to that land, they would be willing to go over the same way again to get to such a sweet Home at the end. Therefore, they must come to Christ now. They should offer up that great prayer, “O satisfy us early with Thy mercy that we may rejoice and be glad in Thee all our days.” Some think that religion is a gloomy thing, but Moses was a wiser man than any of us and he said, “Satisfy us early with Thy mercy.” Yes, if you come to Christ you will never repent it. You are young just now, but although you live long you will never meet with any who were sorry they came so soon to Jesus. You will meet with many who were sorry they did not come sooner. May the Lord (Mr Ferguson said) find you, and enable you to find Him.
Mr Gillies then addressed them on the necessity of a new heart, and Christ’s willingness to give it to them. Shewed them that as it is by a watch’s main-spring that it is regulated, so it is the state of their hearts that guides their life. God has said that the heart is wicked by nature, and therefore it must be true. As a crab apple tree will never of itself bear a living or Ribston pippin, so unless they got a new heart they could never lead a new life. He told them they would never be happy until they were holy, and that they would never get to heaven until they were holy. As a goldfish is out of its element when not in water so if the devil or the unregenerate got into heaven, they would wish to leave it. Christ was willing to give them a new heart, and they should plead that promise, “A new heart also will I give you.”
Mr Cook then spoke on the importance of Sabbath school instruction, chiefly with regard to its beneficial effects on the domestic circle, and on the congregation, which he illustrated by a case of some that came under his own observation.
Mr Moncur then addressed the parents. He said there might be some parents present who were happy in looking upon their children, and this was well. There might be others who had none to look upon because their children were in the grave. There might be others who were looking upon their children and who would have no children to look upon by that time next year. He would be glad if his remarks had the effect of making even one parent erect a family altar to God. He reminded them they would never all meet again in the same circumstances, and urged them to go home and pray.
Mr Bain then shortly addressed the teachers. He wished them to be impressed with the thought of having immortal souls to teach for eternity. They should bring every case to God. To the children he said how sad it would be after all they had heard from so many ministers if anyone went away without Christ. They needed God’s Spirit that all that they had heard might be blessed to them. How happy he would be if they were saying what a little girl said when listening to a sermon, that she would love to be one of Christ’s lambs. Mr Bain closed by speaking of our all meeting one day at the Throne of God.

Thursday, 25th January.
At the school last Sabbath evening read to the girls (at their own request) Alexander’s letter a second time, which, the Lord grant, may come to them as a message of power from Himself. Dear Isabella Williamson heard the half of the class, and I think I was enabled to teach them with more liberty and comfort than usual. When finished, I felt amazed, considering my sin and sloth, at the Lord’s great goodness and tender mercy. But, Oh, I have a wicked heart and there is a tempting devil; for the thought just came to mind that it was perhaps by chance that I was enabled to speak to them and that it was not the Lord who had given me freedom to speak. But immediately I said within myself “Get thee behind me, Satan.” I endeavoured to ask the Lord to pardon me because of this thing. “Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy, when I fall I shall arise.” Oh that I may be more watchful in the time to come; and that the Lord would bruise Satan under my feet shortly.
Liked Mr Cook’s lecture in the afternoon of Sabbath on the 15th Psalm. His remarks on “he that worketh righteousness” were very good. The life of Christ within us buds in acts of service, and in refraining from raising or receiving an evil report which would injure our neighbour’s good name. Likewise on that part as to our honouring “them that fear the Lord,” he dwelt on the close union that subsists between all the brethren of Christ. He spoke solemnly on “he that sweareth to his own hurt.” Those there are who take an oath, promising to be the Lord’s at the Communion Table, and who then break their engagement.
I thought what he said on this Psalm came with a different power to anything I had heard from him, and it seems he was unprepared and felt his own weakness so much that he was afraid to open his mouth. This is just another proof that the Lord is the strength of His servants. He gives them words to speak, and when they cast themselves upon Him, perfects His strength in their weakness.

Saturday evening, 3rd February.
Had Mr Archibald Ferguson with us a few days ago. He exchanged with Mr Cook last Sabbath. It was an interesting day, for he is a wonderful preacher. Never heard him preach before except on the evening of last Thursday in Mr Gillies’ church. His text was, “And Peter followed afar off.” He showed.
1st—That natural principles and resolutions are unable to bind us to the Saviour.
2nd—That a decay in the soul is gradual.
3rd—That a backsliding state is dangerous and deceitful.
The sermon was very striking and solemn, and the descriptive parts very fine. Last Sabbath was still better, more powerful, and manifesting great knowledge of the Bible, and a searching into the mine of wealth that is to be found there. How I wish that I could remember more. Not being yet accustomed to his style is, I think, partly the reason why I don’t recollect his sermon better. He uses so many similitudes, and his style is clear. He lectured on Luke 9, vv. 51, 52, 53, was very instructive. Began by speaking of the Tabernacle in the wilderness with the cloud of glory resting upon it, as being a type of the human body of Christ; and as it was taken over to Canaan so was He received up into Glory. He said a great deal on, “And when the time was come”—when the hour had struck. Spoke of the place He was going to—Jerusalem, and of the manner in which He went—“He steadfastly set His face.” He might easily have slain the men who reeled back when He said, “I am He.” The same power that healed Malchus’ ear might have destroyed them, but love was the cord that bound Jesus to the Cross. But why go to Jerusalem? When the type (the scapegoat) was sent into the desolations of the wilderness, why does Jesus go to Jerusalem? Because, what could be more a wilderness to Him than the crowded city? What could be such a wilderness to Him as the palace of the high priest? “And sent messengers before his face.” These words show the divinity of Christ, that He could command attendants whensoever He pleased. The poor Carpenter when walking by the Sea of Galilee could, by saying, “Follow Me,” make men leave their work and their kindred and follow Him whithersoever He went. The ties of nature and affection give way before the drawing grace of Christ. His servants are but messengers. They only tell what has been told them and they are not true to their Lord if they fail to deliver His word faithfully. “Before His face.” Jesus comes up after them. The steps of their Master are heard behind them. “To make ready for Him.” Their first care was to provide for Him. This should be the highest aim of ministers. It is the most blessed point for them to reach—to desire above all things the glory of their Master. This can only happen when they say with John, “I must decrease but He must increase.” “And they did not receive Him.” In this they showed cruelty, folly and ignorance; cruelty in as much as it was against all the rules of kindness and hospitality not to give Him refreshment on His way; folly and ignorance, for some have entertained angels unawares. Jesus would have amply repaid them for what He cost them, and would very likely have given them the better blessings of His grace, even the bread of life. “Because His face was as though He would go to Jerusalem.” They would not receive Him because He had passed Mount Gerizim (which it seems evident from what the woman at the well said to Jesus, as well as from other parts, was where the Samaritans worshipped) and was going on to Jerusalem, thus showing them His contempt of their false worship.
Learn from all this three things:—
1st—Christ’s willingness to die for His people. No one could have obliged Him to suffer, but He said, “Lo, I come, in the volume of the book it is written of me.”
2nd—That you may be guilty of rejecting Christ although you have never seen Him. It is probable that Jesus himself did not go into this village; but His messengers were refused in His name. If we reject the messengers of Christ whether they come to us in His ministry, His providence or His word, He counts it all the same as if we rejected Himself.
3rd—Are there not many villages of Samaritians in our days? Do you say you have no room for Jesus. I answer you have room for the world, room for lusts, room for sin, in short, room for anything except the weary Traveller from Galilee. It is because it would be costly that you do not receive Him? Well, it may cost you a right hand or a right eye, but Jesus will amply repay you. He is a debtor to no man. He will give an hundredfold here with persecutions and in the world to come life everlasting. It is idolatry that is making us reject Him? Are we clinging to our idols? Well, if we receive Him, He will bring us to something better than Mount Gerizim—He will lead us to Mount Zion.

Tuesday, 6th.
On the afternoon of Sabbath, the 28th, Mr Ferguson preached a sweet and comforting sermon from, “Be it unto thee even as thou wilt.” I grieve that I remember so little of it, but will put down what I recollect; in order that that little may not be forgotten. He began by saying that God is no stinted Benefactor, He opens His hand liberally and pours down blessings. He acts like a Sovereign. He maketh His sun to shine on the evil and on the good. He is not like the merchant who weighs out the commodity in proportion to what he is to be paid for it. Indeed if God uses the balances at all, it is to weigh out the trials His people need; it is to see how little affliction they will require. But it is more apparent that God acts as a sovereign because He gives most of what is best. It is quite different in Providence to what it is in Grace. Were everyone to get what they wished, the Arabian would have no sandy desert; the Lap-lander would not have to remain so long without the sun; there would not be so many toilsome days and wearisome nights endured. But however much you pray regarding God’s providential dealings, the sun will continue, like a strong man, to run its race, and death will be the lot of the children of men. These outward things will roll on as they are. But let your earnest prayer be that the Sun of Righteousness (better far than that sun which is now shining upon you) may warm and enlighten your souls; that the wilderness and the solitary place may be glad and the desert rejoice and blossom as the rose, and that God will say to you, “Be it unto thee even as thou wilt.”
But we may see that the Lord is more King-like still, when we consider that you would never receive these blessings unless He made you willing to do so. Do you ask wisdom? Well, He giveth liberally and upbraideth not. Are you murmuring and complaining? Are you saying, “My leanness, my leanness!” Well, look to it for you are not straitened in God but in yourselves. Only open your mouth wide and He will fill it. He will say to you, “Be it unto thee even as thou wilt.”
Now these are three desires within the renewed soul. This woman’s (of Canaan) daughter was grievously vexed with a devil. Jesus did not at the first grant her request—not to put a stumbling block in the way of her faith, but rather to bring it out more brightly. Now you are also grievously vexed with the devil and you require deliverance from him as the debtor does from the jailer, as the slave does from the tyrant, and as the traveller does from the robber that way-lays him. The renewed soul says, I would wish Jesus to be my Surety; I would wish Jesus to be my Lord, my Master, my King; and I would wish Jesus to be my companion to go with me all the way to Heaven. Now, if you truly desire these things, you have been made willing. Once you were running away from God as Onesimus was from Philemon. Every step you took was further and further from your Father’s house. Although you may be regular in the ordinances of religion, that is just as if Onesimus had looked over his shoulder, while all the time he was running away from his master’s service. So you may be faithful in ordinances, but just mocking God, looking over your shoulder (as it were), and fleeing from Him. You need deliverance from the law. Justice, conscience and Satan cry—Pay me what thou owest. Now, who will save you? None but One. Even the highest angel could not be the surety of sinners, because every one of these blessed beings required to give all he can for himself, and could not pay the debts of another. So that none but Christ could be our Surety. And if you are willing that He should be yours, you will get the answer of my text, “Be it unto thee even as thou wilt.” It is a work of omnipotence to deliver you—God requires to put forth His almighty strength to save a soul. You perhaps think you are conferring an honour upon Jesus in allowing Him to subdue your sins and to sanctify you; but there is a great difference between nature and grace. Whenever you are renewed you become humbled. You see it is infinite condescension in the Lord to look upon the highest angel, far less to look upon such as you. Then run and throw yourself into His hands and you will receive the answer to my text. “Be it unto thee even as thou wilt.” Would you value not only your debts discharged and your lusts subdued, but heaven’s society enjoyed? Would you wish Jesus to be your companion in the way? Then, “Be it unto thee even as thou wilt.” Nor would you live for ever in this outward house of clay. You would wish to be forever with the Lord.
What a miserable account I here give of a sermon which was so full and powerful. The Lord sanctify my memory and cause the savour of these rich words to remain with me.
Began to read last Saturday evening what I should have read long before now—Hetherington’s “History of the Church of Scotland.” While reading, may my understanding be enlightened so that I may fully understand the great principles of which it treats, and may my heart be touched so that I may be more and more interested in the church of my fathers, and feel greatly for the afflictions of Joseph.

Wednesday evening, 28th February.
Felt lately (which was perhaps owing to my being rather feeble for the past fortnight) that I might soon be called away. This used to be often and so much impressed upon my mind years ago. Although I have lived longer than I thought at that time I would, still I used to feel thankful for these presentments. I thought it might be the Lord who put such into my mind to save me from my lethargy, and to remind me of the command, “Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with all thy might.” O that having no continuing city here, I may be earnestly seeking one to come! Had a sweet letter on Monday from Eliza McCheyne in which she speaks of some scenes of the past. (Her affectionate kindness is often very affecting). Heard also from Isabella Williamson regarding her marriage in the last week of March (which I was dreading) instead of the first week of April. She gave Tuesday the 25th as the day, which, however, is a mistake, as Monday is the 25th. These two letters received at the same time completely upset me, so that my bursting heart could only find relief in a flood of tears.
Last Sabbath was a quiet day at home on account of the very heavy fall of snow. Two years that day it was since dear Johnnie departed “to be with Christ, which is far better.” The events of that day were rising up before me, among others the evening visit of one who was so faithful and yet so tender and sympathising in the home of sorrow. Oh that Jesus would say to my troubled heart, “Peace be still,” and then there would be a great calm. May every pain be sanctified to me. Had a nice note also from Eliza Anne Ireland on Monday, in which she tells me that they have good hopes the Lord has been preparing her brother Alex. to be with Himself. This I was rejoiced to hear. Truly our God is merciful and gracious. Had a note from Anne Clarke today asking Mamma and me to sew a square for a carpet, which it is proposed the Ladies of Scotland shall do for the Sustentation Fund. We shall be truly happy to aid in the work.

Saturday evening, 9th March.
Mr Cook exchanged with Mr Bain last Sabbath. We had two plain gospel sermons from the latter—in the forenoon from the words, “Deliver from going down into the pit; I have found a ransom.” In the afternoon he preached on the conversion of Lydia. The sufficiency and efficiency of the remedy God has provided in the Gospel of Jesus were clearly set forth. Attended the Presbytery at Couper on Thursday for the second time. Mr Ferguson gave a learned and interesting lecture on the first verse of the 8th chapter of Acts. He made allusion to Stephen and some things he said affected me not a little. They seemed so applicable to one who was also filled with faith and the Holy Ghost, but who is now fallen asleep.
We saw old Miss Whitson, who was very breathless, and to all appearances near her end. On coming away, when Mamma was speaking to her of the comforts of divine things, she acknowledged it all, and spoke as if it were the only source of comfort, but as if it were difficult to lay hold on them. She remarked that we should endeavour to say, “Thy will be done,” whether in light or in darkness. Oh, how diligently we should seek after assurance. For if our heart condemn us not then have we confidence toward God. Oh the misery of being deceived and the blessedness of having God’s Spirit witnessing with our spirit that we are the children of God. How often do I say with Newton:
“’ Tis a point I long to know,
Oft it causes anxious thought,
Do I love the Lord or no,
Am I His or am I not?”

Saturday evening, 16th March.
Last Sabbath forenoon, Mr Cook preached, I thought, a better sermon than most we had from him, on “Godliness is profitable unto all things.” It is so in relieving the sorrows and afflictions of life; in sweetening creature comforts and giving pleasures peculiar to itself; in unnerving the sting of death; taking the victory from the grave, and also in preparing us for the world to come. Mr MacDonald preached on Sabbath morning and preached in the afternoon from, “We know that all things work together for good to them that love God.” A simple but animated sermon. He spoke to the Sabbath scholars on “Confess your faults one to another…” May I never forget a sentence which he quoted from an old book, “Nearness to God is my felicity.” Oh that I may ever be able to say this also—to feel God to be my chief good, my exceeding joy, my portion, my all in all. Mr MacDonald, Mr Gillies, Mr Bain, Mr Ferguson, Dr. Cooper and Mr Cook dined here on Tuesday. Some of them were very lively. Oh to have a holy cheerfulness flowing from gladness of heart because of God’s countenance being lifted on the soul! At the meeting on Wednesday evening, on expounding at worship, Mr MacDonald made a few sweet remarks on, “I beseech you as strangers and pilgrims; abstain from fleshly lusts…” He said that we were constantly trying to make this world our home and God was always trying not to make us do so. On the Tuesday forenoon, Mr Bain, Mr Gillies, Mr MacDonsld and Mr Ferguson met here on business. Then they, with Dr. Cooper and Mr Cook, dined with us afterwards. Mr Ferguson remained with us all night. May he prove a blessing to us and may we also be helpers to him. It was a year that day according to the day of the week, since my valuable friend and kind counsellor took sick of his last illness. It appears two or three years to me instead of one.

Monday evening, 18th March.
When Mr Patrick Millar came in on Saturday night, could not help being at different times much affected because of his being associated with dear Robert McCheyne and having not seen Mr Millar since his death.
I felt I thought some enlargement in speaking to my class in the evening, and in asking the Lord to bless to them anything I was enabled to say (however weakly spoken) which was according to His own mind and will. Oh to see once more the outward signs of concern among the scholars (which some speak against in revival) for then would I feel, that the Lord was beginning to melt some hard hearts under the Word.

Saturday evening, 23rd March.
Went to Dundee, where I have not been for a year past. I wanted to be present at dear Isabella Williamson’s marriage on Wednesday evening. The sight of St. Peter’s spire, as we drove into town quite upset me. During the few days I was there, in the midst of everything else, the thought was constantly present before me that he was away. Walked in the afternoon to the dear spot where our friend’s remains rest, and felt so overcome while standing there that I couldn’t realise anything; but, oh, how applicable are his own words to himself:
“ The precious dust beneath that lies,
Shall at the Voice of Jesus rise.
To meet the Bridegroom in the skies,
There, there, we’ll meet again.”
With lingering steps and wistful looks I left the spot and even the outward walls of that dear church touched many a cord in my bosom and told many a tale to my aching heart.
Everything went on very happily at the marriage on Wednesday evening. I felt solemnised during the ceremony, and thought the presence of Jesus was there. In the afternoon Isabella and I were talking for a little of Christ’s union to His people being so often illustrated by marriage. Ah! how close and endearing is this union and how enduring also. Oh that the Lord would make me to know assuredly that He has fulfilled that gracious word to me, “I will betroth thee unto Me forever.” No man, angel or devil can draw away the soul that is united to Jesus, seeing this union is for ever.

Monday evening, 25th March, 1844. 3
It is not easy to put down this date, for it is a year today by the day of the months (although last Saturday by the day of the week) since our beloved friend entered into rest. He no more feels a weak body, nor does he mourn over his own sins and over the sins of others. He has no longer sorrows to weigh down his tender spirit. He has been a year before the Throne, in the presence of that Jesus whom, not having seen, he loved. To him to live was Christ and to die was gain. But, Oh it seems to me like two or three years instead of one, since he left our earth. The Lord Himself make up to me what I have lost in him; for the more I see of others the more do I feel persuaded that I shall never see his like again. Oh that I had improved more under, and made greater use of all the grace given to him, but alas he is no longer here to say a faithful and searching, yet kind and tender word to me. O Lord enable me from this day forward to go up from the wilderness leaning upon the Beloved, having my eye fixed intently on the Canaan beyond—that better and heavenly country.
Felt more enlargement, liberty and pleasure in teaching the girls than I usually do. They were very attentive and some of them interested, if not impressed and affected.

Thursday evening, 28th March.
Truly I am a monument of God’s mercy; for, considering my sloth and unpreparedness, He might have shut my mouth. Oh that His repeated goodness may lead me to repentance and that He would be pleased to show me some tokens for good among the scholars. I do long after their salvation. Lord, turn them and they shall be turned, draw them and they will run after Thee, for Jesus’ sake, Amen.
We have had a sight a few weeks back of the second volume of R. M. McCheyne’s “Remains.” Felt the letters sweet and profitable. When looking into the book yesterday forenoon it opened at two different places, where he speaks plainly and faithfully of Achan’s idols, and besetting sins. Oh Lord although Thy servant be dead, may he yet speak with power to my soul and grant that I may desire above all things not only that the guilt of all and every sin may be washed away, but that the power of them may be subdued also—every thought being brought into captivity to the obedience of Christ. Oh to be willing to part with everything for Him, although it be a right hand or a right eye.
May I deny myself and take up my cross and follow Him. The Lord enable me to say with Ephraim, “What have I to do any more with idols?” Yea to lay aside every weight, and the sin that doth most easily beset me, and to run with patience the race that is set before me looking unto Jesus.
Papa brought out copies of the two volumes last evening and, being not very well today, have read all the “Memoir.” Although I cannot but regret it is so much condensed, still, what is of it, is very precious and as I went along, felt it very quickening. Oh to see sin, to prize the blood of sprinkling and pant after holiness as he did. With Paul I would say, “This one thing I do forgetting the things that are behind…” Oh Lord lead me in the footsteps of the flock. Make me to be a follower of them who through faith and patience are now inheriting the promises.
Read within the last few days a short but affecting account of the experience of George Philips. In some parts though it resembled my own, and that I might say with him, “God willing, Christ willing, the Spirit willing, I willing, and yet my desires not satisfied.” But still, I cannot be willing to part with everything for Christ; there must be a besetting sin trying to get the mastery over me. Lord make me willing in the day of Thy power, and although I am as weak as water in myself, yet perfect Thy strength in my weakness; and cause me ever to remember that word, “Whosoever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, cannot be my disciple.”

Monday, 8th April.
Mr John Bain recently preached an excellent and solemn sermon on, “If the righteous scarcely be saved where shall the ungodly and the sinner appear?” In the afternoon he preached a sweet and comforting sermon from the words, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest.” Enjoyed much all he said. I felt there was a weight in his words; for he seemed softened by affliction. Oh Lord, forbid that I should at any time be insensible, but grant that I may ever lie low under the stroke of Thy hand.
Did not enjoy being with my class in the evening. Taught with great discomfort to myself and I am persuaded with little profit to others. My heart was unmelted and mouth closed. How true it is that, “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh,” and no wonder that I often speak with such coldness when my heart is so little affected with divine things. Oh Lord Jesus, give me a heart overflowing with love to Thee, then shall I be full of good matter; then I will be weary of forbearing and not able to stay. Holy Father open Thou my lips, and my mouth shall show forth Thy praise.

Monday evening, 29th April.
On the evening of yesterday fortnight, listened with pleasure to Mr Caird teaching my class, on the first Adam who was of the “earth, earthy,” being a type of the second Adam “the Lord from Heaven.” He enlarged on his offices as prophet, priest and king. Mr Caird said afterwards that he thought the reason why Adam was created on the sixth day and not before, was that he might enjoy a whole day’s communion with God and that he might begin his life in the spiritual service of God. Mr Caird addressed, shortly, the whole school, on David showing kindness to Mephibosheth. He took the story as illustrative of God’s kindness to sinners. Jonathan’s son was helpless and required to be brought to the house. David showed him kindness for the sake of another. He was to eat bread at the table of the king continually. This resembles God’s kindness to us for the sake of His beloved Son. How unspeakably blessed are these words, “sitting in heavenly places in Christ, that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace, in His kindness toward us through Christ Jesus.”
Went to Dundee on the Wednesday to spend a week with Isabella, and to attend the communion which I had not done for eighteen months. Heard Mr Manson preach an excellent sermon on the forenoon of the Fast day from the words, “My God, My God, why hast Thou forsaken Me?” His divisions were: The nature of this desertion; the causes of this desertion; and the effects that flow from this desertion. He made several allusions both in prayer and discourse to the dear departed and to happy days gone by. As for myself it was so overcoming to be in St. Peter’s again. I felt very much agitated and confused, but more calm and composed in the afternoon. Mr Bonar’s exposition of Psalm 102 was precious, and his sermon on Phil. 2, v. 1 and 2, “If there be therefore any consolation in Christ,” was rich and full. He spoke of resting on the mercies of the Godhead as on a pillow. Heard Mr A. Ferguson in the evening at Dudhope. He preached a striking and interesting sermon from Matt. 2, vv. and 2, “Now when Jesus was born…” He spoke of Jesus being born the hope of glory in our hearts which by nature are as vile as the stable at Bethlehem. He mentioned how God’s mercies are always seasonable. Christ was born in the day of Herod the king when the cause of God was at a low ebb. He ended on the sweet thought that when we entered the gates of the heavenly Jerusalem our joyous cry would somewhat resemble that of the wise men, “Where is Jesus that we may worship Him?” Oh Lord, hasten the happy day when all the kingdoms of the earth shall bow down before this blessed Prince of peace; yet when every nation shall serve Him. On the Friday evening Mr Bonar took for his subject the parable of the ten virgins. He spoke chiefly on our being ready for the Table. On Saturday heard Mr Samuel Millar in St. David’s. A very suitable sermon for a preparation Saturday on, “O my Father if it be possible let this cup pass from Me.” Spoke of Christ’s greater sufferings beginning then, for it says, “He began to be sorrowful.” The load that was lying upon Him was so infinite that His blessed body gave way under it; and although He had been looking at it in types and prophecies for hundreds of years, yet we find that “He was sore dismayed” when He came under it.
He reminded believers that through much tribulation they would enter the kingdom of heaven. They would have cups of sorrow put into their hands, but then how different from the cup Jesus had to drink, for while there was a curse in His there would be no curse in theirs. How affecting thus to meditate on the awful sufferings of the Son of God. Oh to understand better the love which led God to give up Jesus, and which led Jesus to give up Himself to such agony; yea to comprehend with all saints what is its breadth, length, depth and height.
Mr Islay Burns preached on Sabbath a tender sermon on, “And I, if I be lifted up from the earth, will draw all men unto Me.” The first Table service was on, “Arise my love, my fair one, and come away.” Had not much peace when I sat down at the Table, but was comforted by these passages coming to mind, “I have blotted out, as a thick cloud, thy transgressions and as a cloud thy sin; return unto Me for I have redeemed thee.” Mr Bain also gave an animated Table service from, “Seeing then we are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses.” He alluded to one who ran the race in a way that few did, and who would yet be a witness for or against us. Mr Burns gave a short address at the end from, “Arise, let us go hence,” hence to active duty; hence to glory at last. It was altogether a sweet day; and although often overcome, it was not like bygone communions. The people seemed still and solemnised and in a tender frame. Notwithstanding the sad change in St. Peter’s I still felt the place blessed, and different from any other church I had been to. It was good to be there.
But O I have a wicked heart and a tempting devil, for after coming from the Table my thoughts were wandering much, and my heart going after idols. Oh Lord, pardon the great iniquity of my holy things. Enable me ever to watch and pray that I enter not into temptation.
Mr Gillies preached a good sermon on Monday from, “Why are ye troubled?” He spoke of the interest that believers have in Christ. He is their Bridegroom, Friend, sympathising High Priest, and mystical Head. He then told them to consider what Jesus had already done in giving Himself for them and giving Himself to them. They must think also of what He had promised to do, what He is now doing, and what He is preparing for them above. When the Lord’s people, he said, give way to troubles, it dishonours Christ and grieves Him. What a display, he said, of the love and tenderness and desire for the happiness of His people Jesus has given in this wise. When you are troubled, not only muse on the topics, but pray for the Comforter. “I would,” said the preacher, “say to the unbelievers that the Lord Jesus just reverses the order of the text to you. He would say to them, ‘Why are ye not troubled?’ You have everything to trouble you. How often in days gone by did the Lord make the last day the great day of the feast?” The Monday evening meeting was solemn indeed; causing us to say, “Thou hast kept the good wine till now.” Shall I ever know such sweet days again on earth?

Friday, 28th June.
Was privileged again a week past last Sabbath to partake of the Lord’s Supper at Rattray. Heard a precious sermon from Mr Gillies on Song 1, v. 12. The principal divisions were: The titles given to Christ; the sweet fellowship that the Bride has with her Kindly Spouse; the holy and blessed effects which fellowship with Christ had upon her own soul. Oh to be so taught as to discern with a spiritual eye, the meaning of that rich book—the Song of Solomon. There were sweet Table services on, “All things are ready,” and “Ye do show forth the Lord’s death till He come.” Mr Gillies gave an address also on that remarkable suitable passage, Exodus 23, vv. 20 and 21, “Behold I send an angel before thee,” but being so much worn out, I could not enjoy it as I wished. Mr Ferguson preached in the evening on the three last verses of Genesis, ch. 8. He said with regard to this offering that it was an appointed, an atoning, a substitutionary and a typical offering.
Although I did not feel so much exercised as on the last communion Sabbath spent there, still it was a sweet day, and were it not for my wandering heart it might have been sweeter still. On the Monday Mr Bain preached a very good sermon from Hebrews, ch. 7, v. 25. He dwelt on the extent of God’s salvation; the objects of it; the greatest sinner may be saved by it. He saves from all the consequences of sin; He saves in spite of all opposition; He saves to the end. He dwelt also in the security of the believer since this salvation rests on Christ’s life and intercession.

Wednesday, 3rd July.
On the Thursday following the communion at Rattray, we had a meeting of the Sabbath school in the open air. It began with praise and prayer. After remaining above an hour on the green, we adjourned to the church, where Mr Ferguson first addressed us on the subject of prayer. He told the children of the kite that the philosopher sent up into the sky as illustrative of the power of prayer. He bade them send up prayers to God who was seated upon a throne which was to them a mercy seat. Then He would enrich them with durable riches. “Pray,” he said, “to be forgiven, pray to be brought near to Christ, pray to live a useful life, pray to have a happy death. How are we to pray? With reverence, with boldness, with humility, with faith, with earnestness, with perseverence. All, however far in sin, should pray. ‘Behold the Lord’s hand is not shortened that it cannot save.’ Manasseh had gone far down in sin, but the Lord’s arm took hold of him. ‘Neither is His ear heavy that it cannot hear.’ Jonah prayed in the whale’s belly. His prayer came through the fish and through the sea, and through the air and through the clouds, and reached the ear of God.” Mr Gillies then spoke of King Josiah, and reminded the children that although they could not be kings in this world they might be kings in glory. Josiah was early pious. Mr Gillies sweetly compared those who were early in Christ to rose buds, the sweetest flower in the garden. Jesus loved those peculiarly who came to Him in the morning of their days. This young king loved the Word of God. He also died a safe and happy death for we are told that he came to his grave in peace.
Mr Bain also addressed them shortly on the Bible being God’s letter to us; that it teaches us two things which he illustrated by the beautiful story of the minister in the North 4 who told a young girl to pray in these words, “Lord, show me myself,” and “Lord, show me Thyself.” Mr MacDonald concluded by speaking on the two ways. “It is easier,” he said, “to enter on the one way than the other; the one gate is wide, the other is strait. On the latter gate are words of prohibition written such as, ‘Except a man be born again he cannot enter the Kingdom of God.’ It is easier to proceed on the one way than the other; the one is broad, the other narrow; the one is down hill, the other is up hill. The one is more crowded than the other. The one is the way of sinful pleasure; the other of happiness and peace. The one leads to hell, the other to Heaven.” May the fruit of this meeting be unto holiness and the end thereof everlasting life.

14th July.
On the Saturday Mr Ferguson preached a very refreshing sermon on, “Ye are the temple of the living God.” He spoke on the nature of this temple; the owner of this temple; and the tenant of this temple. Only had time to speak on the first head but it was very grand—some noble thoughts in it. Regarding the nature of the temple he said that it was spiritual, purchased, prepared. What he said concerning the service of the spirit being secured by Christ was very sweet.
On the Sabbath Mr MacDonald preached an animated sermon from II Samuel, ch. 18, v. 8, “Thou are worth ten thousand of us.” “Jesus,” he said, “is worth ten thousand of us in the purity of His character; in the depth of His wisdom; in the intensity of His love; in the greatness of His power; in the largeness of His gifts and in the brightness of His glory. If He is worth ten thousand of us surely He is worth being remembered by us. He should be preferred to all else besides. How awful is the guilt of rejecting such a precious gift as Christ is.” Did not feel much happiness before going to the Table; but when seated there and asking the Lord to manifest His Love to me, I was greatly comforted by the words sweetly coming to me with power as from the Good Shepherd, “I have loved thee with an everlasting Love, therefore with loving kindness have I drawn thee.” And also these, “I will guide thee with My counsel, and afterwards receive thee into glory.” Oh that both of these precious promises may be indeed mine. Oh that I may have been chosen in Christ before the foundation of the world, and be among those whom He loves to the end.
In the evening Mr Millar, Clunie, preached a long and excellent sermon from the 29th verse of the 22nd chapter of Matthew, “Jesus answered and said unto them, ye do err not knowing the scriptures nor the power of God.” He exhorted us to be students of the Word of God and to read it as if we were the only persons in the world that did read it. I resolved that I would read the scriptures more. Oh to feel more and more every day the power of its precious truths, and see the mind of the spirit within. It is not enough to say, “How love I Thy law,” but also to add, “It is my meditation all the day.” On the Monday Mr Baxter preached an excellent sermon on 1st John, ch. 3, v. 2, “Beloved now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be.” “Believers,” he said, “are the sons of God by regeneration in virtue of their union with Christ, and by adoption. As for their present dignity and privileges they have a son’s interest in God; they have the spirit of adoption; they are taught of God; they are fed by Jehovah. He also chastens them. All of them have a title to the inheritance above. Though their prospects are so wonderful they do not know much about heaven. We must be there before we can tell what it is, but there are many things certain about it. Christ is there. The Bible tells believers this and so does Christian experience. They know it is a place where His glory is to be seen. It is also a place where they shall be perfectly like Christ and there shall be no Canaanite then in the house of the Lord.” Oh to have clearer evidence that I am among the children, and that I am being prepared for the time when Jesus shall appear, and when all the family shall be like Him, when they shall see Him as He is.

Friday, 16th August.
Yesterday fortnight we returned from a little northern tour, on which we set out on Tuesday morning. Our party consisted of our own family, Mr A. C. Dunn (who had been with us for two or three weeks), Mr and Mrs Moncur, with Sarah Williamson and Mr Lamb. The weather was rather wet, which, of course, lessened our pleasure. Still we enjoyed it much. The first day we had a beautiful drive to Kenmore, and when on our way visited the Falls of Moness, which are very pretty. The forenoon of Wednesday we spent in wandering over the lovely grounds of Taymouth. It was a sweet calm day. It was also my birthday, which to me is always a solemn day. Oh for a tender heart to mourn over the sins of past years, and also for a thankful spirit to praise the Lord for all the way by which He has led me. Surely I should raise up a stone of remembrance—an Ebenezer—for hitherto hath the Lord helped me. And as I advance in years, may I grow in grace and in the knowledge of my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. If spared to see another year may I be very different from what I am just now, much further on the way to Zion, with earthly things more below my feet and heavenly things more in my eye, running with a quicker step the race that is set before me “looking unto Jesus.” Oh Lord fashion me according to Thine own blessed mind and will, and enable me whatsoever I do in word or deed, to do all to Thy praise and glory. Oh Lord give me a real heart-felt desire to serve Thee in this world. Enable me to do so in whatever situation I am; and if it be thy will, O Lord Jesus, open up a way speedily wherein I may be employed much in Thy sweet service. I would live to the praise of Thy glorious grace, desiring above all things Thy name may be magnified.
On the afternoon of this same day—Wednesday—had a lovely drive on the banks of the Tummel and Garry. Next day, on our way from Dalnacardoch to Blair Atholl, we visited the Falls of Bruar, which are wilder and grander than those of Moness, though not so sweet nor the crags so richly wooded. The finest part of the road was the Pass of Killiecrankie between Blair Atholl and Dunkeld. The hills are so high and yet so richly and beautifully clothed. We were all very tired however when we reached home late on Thursday night yet delighted with all the lovely scenery. What a beautiful earth this is were it not stained with sin! What a powerful Saviour must He be whose hand formed it! “All things made by Him, and without Him not anything made that was made.” How sweet to be able to say in looking upon the wonders of nature, my Redeemer gave them all their loveliness, yea, my Father made them all.

Saturday, 28th September.
Mr Main left us on Tuesday after being with us from the Wednesday before. Enjoyed his visit exceedingly, indeed almost more than I have done any other since our late beloved friend was with us. His ministrations in the sanctuary were very edifying; his expositions of scripture in the family also edifying. Oh that his visit may have been greatly blessed both to us and to the people, and the Lord give him as he himself prayed—to see in Eternity some fruits of his short ministrations here.
He commented in a very sweet manner on the first chapter of Philippians and preached a lively and elevating sermon on, “To him that overcometh I will give to eat of the tree of life which is in the midst of the Paradise of God.” He preached a searching and practical sermon in the afternoon on, “What shall I do to be saved?” He delivered a very powerful sermon from the verse, “Which hope we have as an anchor of the soul both sure and stead-fast.” His introduction was on the nature of the grace of hope. He spoke of it as being the solace and sweetener of life. He spoke of the voyage of life, and that everything depends on the character of the ground in which the anchor is cast. The anchor which is the believer’s hope enters into that which is within the veil. It is fastened on Christ, and rests on His finished work; but if everything depends on the character of the ground in which the anchor is cast, and if Christ is a rock, how then can we cast an anchor in Him? Ah, but the rock is cleft. He is the rock of ages cleft for this very purpose that a poor sinner may place his hope in him. All God’s wrath has been already spent on Christ. The world are anchoring the eternal on the temporal and shifting; but our anchor must be cast on immortality and on the abiding. His hope keeps the believer steadfast. A ship needs an anchor at the harbour if she is to trade at the port. So the believer needs an anchor when he comes into contact with the world. The way to overcome the world is to have his hope within the veil. Let his eye be fixed on the glories above, and he will be kept steadfast. Let him have the tree of life in his view, and the flowers of earth will appear to have little beauty. Let him drink of the cup of salvation, and the cup of this world’s pleasures will seem little to him. The world says religion is a dull thing but the believer does not think so when he can almost grasp his palm of victory. The vessel needs an anchor in the midst of a storm, so does the believer in the midst of affliction. Do sickness, bereavement, calamity, death come? Then you feel the benefit of your anchor, your hope, within the veil. There is a solemn verse by which to try ourselves as to the character of our hope, “If thou hast run with the footmen and they have wearied thee…”
We can imagine no greater punishment than that a man be left to toss ten years on the sea without a compass or without a rudder, and with neither sun nor stars appearing; but what would that be compared to be cast out of sea on the fiery waves of the burning lake, in the blackness of darkness for ever? If we will not come to Jesus who is the only Saviour of the soul, we are leaving Calvary, and for that reason we shall have to shed bitter tears through all eternity.
We parted with Mr Main with very much regret, and with the earnest desire that he may be greatly beloved of the Lord, his own soul richly watered, and his dear people given showers of blessing.

Saturday evening, 2nd November.
Was taken ill last Thursday, and confined to bed for a few days; but the attack was much milder than those of the past years. I am almost well again. The Lord deals very gently. Oh that my hard heart might be softened by this short season of sickness. Received a kind letter from dear Eliza McCheyne yesterday, giving a delightful account of their communion week. The Lord be praised for thus gladdening her spirit. May our approaching communion season be of a similar nature. O Holy Spirit make it a season of great quickening to me, a resurrection time to my poor dead lifeless soul. Finished reading Mr Breay’s “Memoir.” He was a minister of the Church of England in Birmingham. Enjoyed many of his letters especially. A very spiritually minded man.
Read also Mrs Wallace Duncan’s “Memoir” the second time. Enjoyed it more than the first reading of it, and trust I felt quickened by it, and desirous of copying all in her that was worthy of imitation. Oh to follow those who through faith and patience are now inheriting the promises.

Friday, 29th November.
A week past last Lord’s day was the Sacramental Sabbath here. I tried to renew my covenant with the Lord at His Table and to give myself and all that I am and have to His service. But, alas, how coldly done. Nevertheless, O Lord for Thine own name’s sake, and because of Thy mercy in Christ, accept of me and make me altogether Thine, and if it be Thy Holy will, cause me to be useful in my day and generation.
Heard Dr. Candlish on Thursday afternoon from Psalm 32, vv. 1 and 2, “Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered. Blessed is the man unto whom the Lord imputeth not iniquity and in whose spirit there is no guile.” A clear, full gospel sermon. Each one of these expressions, “transgression,” “sin,” “iniquity” and “guile” rises in meaning above the others—the mercy, holiness and justice of God are all seen in them. The preacher spoke of the spiritual character or frame of mind connected with this state—“in whose spirit there is no guile.” What kind of guile is that which the natural man has? It is expressed in the words, “if we say that we have fellowship with Him, and walk in darkness, we lie and do not tell the truth. If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us,” 1st John 1, v. 6-8. There are two kinds of guile that hinder men from believing—chapter 2, v. 4, “He that saith I know Him, and keepeth not His commandments, is a liar and the truth is not in him.” There is a kind of guile to which professing Christians are liable. What are the elements or ingredients of the blessedness here spoken of. Verses 3 and 5, “When I kept silent my bones waxed old, through my roaring all the day long. I acknowledged my sin unto Thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid. I said, I will confess my transgressions unto the Lord; and Thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin.” This purpose of confession ended the strife. David was done forever with trying to patch a righteousness of his own. Another aspect of this blessedness is security in trouble. “Thou art my hiding place; Thou shalt preserve me from trouble; Thou shalt compass me about with songs of deliverance.” Believers are the Lord’s hidden ones. Just as when a child is in any danger, without a moment’s thought as if by instinct, it runs at once and hides in its mother’s bosom; so when the child of God is in trouble his first impulse is to hide in God, Who is our refuge and a very present help in trouble. Another aspect of this blessedness is found in the Lord’s guidance (verse 8), “I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go; I will guide thee with mine eye.” When you have sinned, does Christ’s eye make you weep as it did Peter? Or when you are hesitating as to what path you should take, does Christ’s eye when it meets you make you start back? And when you are unwilling to make some sacrifice for Jesus’ sake, when His eye looks upon you, does it stir you up, as if He were saying to you, “Will you grudge to sacrifice for me who died for thee?” But if you are asking the world’s question, “May I?” and “Must I?” then you are renouncing the privilege of children. You should rather stand fast in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, for God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love and of a sound mind.
Dr. Candlish gave us a most delightful sermon again in the evening from John 7, v. 31-39, “In the last day that great day of the feast, Jesus stood and cried saying, ‘If any man thirst let him come unto Me and drink.”’ He began by speaking of the feast of tabernacles, in allusion to which the words of Isaiah are written, “Therefore with joy shall ye draw water out of the wells of salvation.” And in the last day of the feast, One is seen standing in the midst and crying, “If any man thirst…” The language of the people was, “who will show us any good?” And Jesus told them that if they would drink of the water which He would give them, it would be within them a well of water springing up unto everlasting life. “He that believeth on Me as the scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living waters. But this spake He of the spirit, which they that believe on Him should receive; for the Holy Ghost was not yet given; because that Jesus was not yet glorified.” Enquire in what sense the Holy Ghost is here said to be given and received.
First, in respect of His personal presence. He is a living person, Romans 15, v. 30, “Now I beseech you brethren, for the Lord Jesus Christ’s sake and for the love of the Spirit.”
Second, in respect of His powerful working. He works upon all the faculties, the understanding, conscience, heart and will.
Third, in respect of His blessed fruit. The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, etc. The fruit of the Spirit working on the soul consists of our being convinced of our sin; of our minds being enlightened in the knowledge of Christ, and the issue of the process in that we are persuaded and enabled to embrace Jesus Christ freely offered to us in the gospel. There is here the simplicity of a little child. Let us enquire also what is the connection here between the Holy Sprit being given, and Christ being glorified. “For the Holy Ghost was not yet given, because that Jesus was not yet glorified.” He was given in the Old Testament times, on the faith of Christ being glorified. Abraham saw Jesus’ day afar off and was glad. The Holy Ghost is given because He is Christ’s purchase, satisfaction being given by Jesus, He purchased the Spirit for His people. He is Christ’s special gift. In regard to the outpouring on the day of Pentecost, it is written of Jesus, “Therefore being by the right hand of God exalted, and having received of the Father the promise of the Holy Ghost, He hath shed forth this, which ye now see and hear.” But specially is the Holy Ghost given because He is Christ’s witness. “He shall glorify Me, for He shall receive of Mine and shall show it unto you.” “But when the Comforter is come whom I will send…” He testifies of Jesus as a complete Saviour, that He is able to save to the uttermost all that come unto God by Him. He testifies of His birth, His baptism, His life, His sufferings, His death, His burial, His resurrection, His ascension, in short, to show us that all we need is treasured up in Him.
What is the connection between the Holy Ghost being received, and the exercise of faith? “This spake He of the Spirit which they that believe on Him should receive.” There is a certain measure of the Holy Ghost even without faith, for unless the Spirit draw us we would never lay hold on Jesus; so that the Lord gives the Holy Ghost even to those who are not believers. But in this God is sovereign. He says, “My Spirit will not always strive with man.” I beseech you, said Dr. Candlish, not to presume on the dispensation of the Spirit. But, children of God, if you are asked what is the connection between the Holy Ghost being given and your believing in Jesus? You may answer, faith unites me to Jesus and being one with Him I receive the Spirit. Another reason is my faith interests me in the everlasting covenant. All the promises of God are to be Yea and Amen in Christ Jesus. One of the promises, for example, is, “I will pour water on him that is thirsty and floods upon the dry ground.” The wicked is an illustration of what we have been saying, regarding the difference in the way in which the Holy Ghost is given to believers and unbelievers. The world receive the bounties of God’s providence as well as His children, for it is written, “He maketh His sun to shine on the evil and on the good and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.” And so the unconverted sometimes receive common influences of God’s Spirit, whereas the believer receives the Holy Ghost on the footing of a covenant engagement. “We are sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise” and He will continue it to you for His own name’s sake.
Notice the measure and manner of this indwelling. “He that believeth on me as the scriptures have said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water.” There are two particulars here regarding believers. First, they have the source of their joy within themselves. They do not need to draw from those broken cisterns, that can hold no water. They have the fountains of life itself to which to repair. It is “Christ within you the hope of glory.” It was a great blessing to the Israelites to have a flowing stream following them all the way through the wilderness, which Rock, we are told, was Christ. It is your privilege to have the well within you. But if Jesus be within you, consider what should the streams be that flow from this fountain; not shallow but broad streams; not stagnant but living water. These waters are your Christian comforts—peace, joy, hope. They are your Christian graces—faith, love, obedience, delighting in God’s law, meekness with long-suffering. If you are languishing, come to Christ again to be revived and if these waters are flowing copiously in your heart then blessed are ye. And what great blessings you may be to the dry ground around you! When the Holy Ghost came down in such abundance on the early church, we are told what the effect was, “Fear came on every soul and many wonders and signs were done by the Apostles.” This sermon I enjoyed more than I can express. It was a rich feast to me indeed.
Mr Arnot, Glasgow, afterwards addressed us from the words, “Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it; that He might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that He might present it to himself a glorious church.” This, he said, will be a great presentation day. When any are presented to an earthly sovereign, they usually require to be high born, and so those who will be presented on that day, are sons and daughters of the King of kings. Again, those who are presented to an earthly sovereign are generally rich, and so those who will be presented on that day have the unsearchable riches of Christ. Again, those who are presented to an earthly sovereign usually require to have a court dress, and someone already at court to introduce them. Those who will be presented on that day are clothed in the righteousness of God and will be presented by Christ Himself. Those who are to be presented on that day are to be, “without spot or wrinkle or any such thing.” Then you should seek to be holy now, recline on the bosom of Jesus, for no sin can be there. Ye are left a little while in the world to do the Lord’s work. Ye are the salt of the earth. Ye are His reflectors. He says, “I am glorified in them.” The dying Jacob refused to follow the desire of Joseph in placing his hands on the children. He said, “I know it, my son, I know it.” And so perhaps some of you who are God’s children may feel that He is crossing you in your desires, and you may be saying to Him, “Not so my Father”; but you should feel satisfied with all His dealings, for He knoweth what is best for you; and will say to you, “I know it, my son, I know it.”
On the Sabbath evening Mr Arnot preached an interesting sermon from John 19, v. 18, “Where they crucified Him and two others with Him; on either side one and Jesus in the midst.” Look, he said, at Jesus in the midst, when covenanting with the Father in the eternal council. Again in the garden of Eden, He was in the midst when God gave Him in the promise that the seed of the woman should bruise the head of the serpent. Again we see Jesus in the midst in the times of the Old Testament saints, when we are told that Abraham saw His day afar off and was glad; when He appeared to Moses in the burning bush; to Joshua as the Captain of the Lord of Hosts; to Jacob as the angel of the covenant. He was in the midst in the fiery furnace with the holy children when there was One seen like unto the Son of God. And then in the fulness of the times, when He was twelve years old, He was in the midst of the Doctors in the temple who were both hearing Him and asking Him questions. On the Cross He was in the midst and now He is in the midst of the Throne.

Tuesday, 25th March 1845.
It is two years since our invaluable friend entered into rest. It was an event which must ever be a solemn and affecting one to me. The Lord took to Heaven one who had been blessed more to me than all else in the world besides. Thanks be unto Thy name, O Lord, for all Thou didst for him and by him, and for all that my poor soul received from Thee through him. And may my remembrance of him, although often sorrowful and sometimes as if to crush my spirit, ever humble and quicken me, and urge me on in the way of life.
Today finished reading his “Memoir” for the third time. O Lord grant that this record of Thy faithful servant’s journey through this vale of tears may be greatly and universally blessed of Thee, especially to those who are engaged in the glorious work of the ministry; that by it they may be led to cultivate greater holiness of walk and conversation, and to long more for the glory of Jesus in the salvation of souls.

Sabbath, 6th April.
A beautiful spring day. Oh that the Sun of righteousness would shine as brightly upon my soul as that sun now does upon this world of ours. Although it is so lovely I am not permitted to visit the House of prayer. Indeed, I have only been once within the courts of the Lord’s House since the middle of January owing to a tedious illness. Was better a fortnight ago and was out once at church; but have relapsed since and am still very weak. Although my illness has not been very severe, yet it has been long continued. Great exhaustion accompanies the cough. Forbid, O my Father, that this season should pass over without being greatly blessed to me. How I regret that the quiet hours have not been more improved; but I often felt so stupid and languid that I could scarcely fix my mind on divine things. Yet blessed be the name of the Lord when at any time very ill, and inclined to be disquieted, He seemed to be gently whispering, peace, so that I was thus comforted of God. But, Oh, I would earnestly desire that I might grow much at this time, especially in the knowledge of Jesus, Whom to know is life eternal. Alas! I am slow indeed to learn. If I have been taught anything at this time, it is more of my own guilt and corruption. I am nothing and can do nothing. I am completely without strength, but it was for such that Jesus died. And Oh that this knowledge of my weakness may lead me to embrace with simpler joy than ever a full Saviour, and to say with an understanding heart, “In the Lord have I righteousness and strength.” But Oh Most Gracious God, suffer me not I beseech Thee to deceive myself. May I be truly one with Jesus. May I be dwelling in Christ and may Christ be formed in me the hope of glory. Most wonderful union! Oh Lord If I am Thine through Thy dear Son, may my life and walk and conversation be as it becometh the gospel. May every thought, word and action be conformed to its blessed rules. Blessed Sprit breathe into my soul the breath of life, and cause me to live anew, departing from all iniquity, and following after all that is pure and lovely and of good report.

Sabbath evening, 4th May.
It is now nearly four months since this illness made its appearance. Oh Lord grant that I may never be impatient under Thy dealings, and enable me to ask in a humble enquiring spirit—not in a murmuring one—“Wherefore contendest Thou with me?” If I have a strong desire to live a life of usefulness in the world, then Oh Lord Thou must have implanted that desire; and yet it seems to me as if Thou wert leading me by a way that I know not. If Thou are really leading me, then all is well.
Guide me, O Thou great Jehovah,
Pilgrim through this barren land.
And Oh grant me the sanctified use of all Thy dealings and may my will be lost in God’s.
“ Sweet to be passive in His hands,
And know no will but His.”
Oh Lord prepare my understanding and heart, by giving me much knowledge and great devotedness so that I may spend my days in Thy service on earth, if this be Thy will, or if Thou art soon to call me Home, may my soul be made meet for the inheritance of the saints in light.
I heard Dr. Candlish, when in Dundee a fortnight past, preach a truly delightful sermon on the “Heavenly places.” It was most interesting, and I enjoyed it exceedingly. Finished reading last Sabbath the “Life of Joseph Alleine,” who seemed indeed to have his conversation in heaven. He appeared to pass his life in adoring contemplations of God’s love; and yet he was most devoted and active in the service of his Lord. In the latter part especially of his short life—I think he only lived to the age of thirty-four—he almost seemed as if he were already an inhabitant of the New Jerusalem, and joined in the praises of the Redeemed before the Throne.
Heard an excellent sermon from Mr Gillies last Sabbath on these words, “And the children of Israel did eat manna forty years in the wilderness, yea they did eat manna until they came into the borders of the land of Canaan,” viewing the manna as a type of Christ—very precious. Lord evermore give me this bread. On the afternoon of today he preached an excellent sermon from the words, “Ye are not your own, ye are bought with a price.” It was very practical and quickening. Oh Lord impress the words of the text in my heart, and may they never be forgotten by me night or day.

Bridge of Allan—Sabbath, 22nd June.
Last Sabbath the Lord’s Supper was dispensed in Rattray and we attended there. Felt very doubtful as to whether I should partake of the ordinances, feeling that I was utterly devoid of a right frame of mind and had almost resolved not to do so; but as the day advanced I felt more comfort in thinking of going to the Table. However, owing to the heat and the great crowd, as well as the oppression in my chest, Mamma thought it better not to remain. We returned at the end of the First Table service. Perhaps the Lord ordered it thus as a punishment for my sloth—or in mercy—that I might not profane His Holy Table. Mr Gillies preached an excellent sermon from, “Truth Lord, yet the dogs eat of the crumbs that fall from the master’s table.” Lord Jesus ever feed my soul out of Thine own hand. Mr Gillies fenced the Tables from John II, v. 55-58, showing that one duty before coming to the feast was to purify ourselves; and one duty when we had come was to seek that Jesus might be present there. He also spoke a word of comfort to timid souls from the 51st Psalm, “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart, O God, Thou wilt not despise,” telling them that a broken spirit suited a broken Saviour. The subjects of his Table service were, “Ye are come to the blood of sprinkling which speaketh better things than that of Abel.” And, “They shall go from strength to strength, every one of them in Zion appeareth before God.” This latter part I felt, to be peculiarly sweet and comforting.
In the evening, Mr Ferguson of Alyth, preached a most delightful sermon from the blessed words, “The Lamb is the Light thereof.” Some of his thoughts were very rich. O blessed Lamb of God, be Thou the light of my heart in this dark world, and through grace, prepare me for dwelling in that land of which Thou art now, and will be, the light through everlasting ages.

Sabbath evening, 27th July.
Went to town last Wednesday to see dear Isabella and her baby. Was in St. Peter’s on Thursday evening. A very, very thin attendance. How changed in regard to the numbers that used to attend the Thursday meetings. I felt it solemnising to be here, and as if it were indeed a sanctuary where the goings of our God had been often seen. This day dear Isabella’s infant was to be given to the Lord in baptism. May He accept the gift and make her His own for ever.

Wednesday, 31st July.
This day, twenty-four years, I was born into a world of sin and sorrow. How long have I lived and to how little purpose! With how many mercies, temporal and spiritual, has the Lord crowned me and yet how unfaithful have I been and how continually have I departed from Him. Oh that every sin of my past life may be washed away in His own blood. Lord prepare me for whatever is before me this year, and grant that the life I may henceforth live in the flesh may be by the faith of the Son of God who—I trust I can say—loved me and gave Himself for me.

Monday evening, 8th September.
It is four weeks today since A. C. Dunn, accompanied by his sister and Mr Fraser, left us for Dunkeld. O that every painful feeling I experienced at parting with dear friends may be sanctified in drawing me closer to the ever compassionate Jesus; who is the same yesterday, today, and forever. May He prepare me for that blessed Land from which the redeemed shall never depart; that glorious city where they shall be made pillars in the temple of their God, and out of which they shall never go.
I left the pleasant city of Edinburgh—where, with Mamma I spent a month—with much regret. Not a little sorry to say farewell to dear friends. But with none did I feel so much to part as with dear Eliza McCheyne, for my affections are entwined around her in no ordinary degree. Will it ever be ordered that our lots be cast near each other? The Lord grant that our friendship may be very profitable to us both, and that we may at length meet in that blessed land where parting is unknown.

Wednesday, 12th August
Seven weeks today since we returned from Bridge of Allan, where we were sojourning for over a fortnight. Its lovely scenery and beautiful walks I enjoyed much, my pleasure being greatly enhanced by the company of a friend who is very dear. During our visit there heard Mr Somerville preach one evening in the Tullibody church. A delightful sermon, from these wonderful words, “Our life is hid with Christ in God.” The discourse was truly elevating and cheering. Two days before we left we made a little trip to Loch Katrine. The week after our return home was our communion season here, and much valuable truth was imparted. On Thursday Mr Horace Bonar preached in the morning a sweet and comforting sermon in which the fulness and freeness of the gospel offer were prominently brought forward. In the afternoon he preached an excellent and solemn sermon from, “I have sinned in that I have betrayed the innocent blood.” In the evening Mr Andrew Bonar gave us a very fine discourse on the Paschal Lamb, as typical of Jesus our passover Who was sacrificed for us. It was full of rich matter, offering nourishment to the hungry soul. On the Saturday Mr Ferguson, Alyth, preached an able sermon from these words, “They shall come with weeping.” He enlarged on the godly sorrow those who are travelling towards Zion should know. Mr Andrew Bonar’s sermon in the evening was very good indeed. He showed in it very plainly our poverty by nature, and that even after believing in Jesus, we possess nothing in ourselves, but must to the very end draw all our riches from the treasures that are in Christ. Felt very much exhausted in body on Sabbath night, and was not out on Monday. Although I had great cause to mourn during this season on account of the coldness and deadness of my heart and my wandering thoughts, yet I do trust that by the grace of God it did not pass away without being profitable. Blessed be the Lord that—I think I am not deceiving myself when I say it—I felt at times, in some measure at least, the importance of divine things, and the nearness and sweetness of the presence of Jesus. Oh that my precious Saviour would always continue with me, that He would abide with me forever.
Oh that the oft repeated partings with friends may tend to wean our heart from this earth, making us feel that we are strangers and pilgrims here, that this is not our rest, and preparing us for that land where parting is unknown. Oh that the Lord would be pleased to pour out upon us the spirit of grace and supplication, so that when distance lies between us, we may constantly remember one another at the Throne of grace and thus be the means of drawing down blessings on each others’ souls. And O make us entirely Thine. Bless us with all spiritual blessings in heavenly places. May we be able to comprehend with all saints what is the height and depth and length and breadth, yea to know the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Heath Park—Monday, 17th May, 1847.
It is five weeks today since we came out here for the summer months. The Lord grant they may be pleasantly and profitably spent. May the light of His countenance shine upon our dwelling, and may we be enabled to live to His praise. Many and varied anxieties have of late filled my heart, so that I would not like to live over again such a winter. And yet with how many outward comforts has the Lord crowned us during the past months in Dundee. And I trust I have also been a partaker of that inward and everlasting consolation which He alone can impart. But Oh how many troubled and anxious thoughts have I experienced, some of them known only to myself. And O how disquieted has my spirit often felt, not knowing what to pray for nor how to pray. Indeed, the mental anxiety that I have undergone had well nigh crushed my bodily frame, but since we came out here I am better in body and more comfortable in mind. I would seek to wait upon the Lord.

Dundee—28th November, 1847.
Now that we are home again, may the sins of the past summer be forgiven and may our heavenly Father bless us temporally and spiritually, providentially and graciously, and enable us to act in such a way as shall be pleasing in His sight. The Lord be pleased to restore dear Mamma to her wonted health, in kindness long spare both our parents, making them blessings to us, and us comforts to them. And may my brother be taught of Thee and have the peace of Thy children…Eternal thanks for causing him to seek Thy face, and now make him the happy means of leading many to that glorious One Whom he hath found. And, O heavenly Father, I entreat of Thee to lay Thy hands upon us and show us a token for good. Our gracious God be pleased to say to us “From this day will I bless you…”